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a bottle of vodka makes everyone feel at home

There may be a few reasons for this. It can be fixed.

  1. 1.You’re cheap.

  1. 2.You don’t appreciate our stuff because you’re a loser. Where else can you get such an amazing deal on violence, souls, cars, politics and more?

3. You have no money to buy our luxury goods. You’re struggling. You just manage to get by, and you can’t afford all the luxury stuff we offer: sox, knockoffs, cool factor, games, etc.  And you wonder where did the 700 billion greenbacks go. Well, not in your pocket. Don’t worry for those making around 1 million, they will keep on saving $40,000 a year in tax cuts. THEY’re buying our stuff like it’s going out of fashion. Or rather like it’s going in fashion.

4. The amazing wares you deposited with loving anticipation in your cart have disappeared inexplicably. Not so inexplicably. One more undermining coup from our enemies: FBI, Coca-Cola, Christian fundamentalists, Muslim fundamentalists, La Leche, Dr. Scholl, Paris Hilton, The Man, Chevrolet (they didn’t dig the Chevrolet sinking into the canal with voice over “like a rock” - no sense of humor, these guys), the G8, V7, Tom Cruise, the Rotary Club, Absolaaaaaah...